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WAGATRON

Speak to Me


These links aren't very interesting, but they're mine. My own. My precious...

Happy Birthday to me. At this point, I have definitely reached the age where birthdays are no longer a status thing. After 21, you begin to dread your birthday instead of anticipate it. This is for a few reasons:

• no one else will know its your birthday unless you mention it--why rock the boat?
  
• your age no longer represents a vital rite of passage
  
• your birthday is likely to be a weekday, and thus, a "school night" (must work in the morning)
  
• over time, birthday cake slowly becomes a poisonous substance to adults
  
• a birthday is only an embarrassing reminder that one day in the future, a doctor will give you a prostate exam
  

I could go on, but I don't really enjoy sobbing like a baby. I'm 24. Time to enjoy it.

What are personals sites?

I honestly think they are mirages. You think there are people there, but there aren't. It's exactly like the subway, where if you even wanted to talk to someone, they wouldn't like you. Everyone on board wants someone else, who doesn't want them back.

Worse, the personals site is a timeless sort of vacuum, not at all like the real world. People get frustrated and get off the train, but the afterimage remains, streaking away with time, and people still respond to it. There's a one-way correspondence between the desperate ones who just boarded at the last station and the pathetic ghosts who've been lingering for months, slowly disintegrating like wood smoke.

Most of the people look better than their posted picture, except for the ones who look worse, and most don't resemble their picture at all. It's a complete crapshoot, and the only way to find out is risk contamination by contact. Meeting someone.

Invariably, even if this goes better than expected, it's a slippery slope. Quicksand. A booby trap.

Consider yourselves fairly warned. Anyone with evidence to the contrary, feel free to email it to me. I'd like to read it.

I challenge you not to find this game queasily addictive:

Santa Ballz

Sure, Christmas is over, but Santa's balls are fun 365 days a year.